100 Things the Ghosts of Booster and Beetle are Not Allowed To Do
1. May not pull people's chairs away just as they are about to sit down.
2. May not slam doors in people's faces.
3. May not pull away the blankets while people are sleeping.
3a. Especially not if you are going to hang around and make the room cold.
4. May not adjust the thermostat.
5. May not put sugar in the Batmobile's gas tank.
6. May not alter any of the computer files.
6a. Yes, I know the facts are correct. I am referring to the editorials and unnecessarily flowery language.
6b. Such as every incidence of "Booster Gold" being replaced with "that golden Adonis, who's beauty makes men weep for the pure joy of the sight, and women swoon for love. Even the most hardened criminals' hearts melt like ice in summer when they behold the glowing countenance of our hero, the beloved Booster Gold."
6c. I will concede that Beetle's version of the League's fight against the Gray Men, written in dactylic hexameter, is most impressive. Don't do it again.
7. Beetle is not Banquo.
8. May not vandalize the Justice League signs so they say “Dead Justice.”
9. Sending black-bordered invitations to join Dead Justice to still-living Justice Leaguers is just tacky.
9a. Especially if you deliver them right before a dangerous mission.
9b. You also may not send the invitations to the JSA on the justification that "most of them have one foot in the grave anyway." Anyone of them could have kicked your butt while you were living, and I suspect they could kick your dead butts too.
10. The new Blue Beetle is not an imposter, jailbait, unworthy, doomed, a deluded fanboy with no sense of style, a cheap rip-off, a wannabe, a Titan reject, or in violation of copyright.
10a. He is also not in need of guidance. Stop haunting him; he's having a hard enough time without your help.
10b. I will concede he should know about the former Blue Beetles. Put together an informational booklet and I will send it to him so he can read it when he's ready.
11. May not replace the sugar with salt.
12. May not replace the ketchup with chili sauce.
13. May not mix hallucinogens in with anything.
13a. I apologize. Sometimes it is difficult to tell the difference between your pranks and an outside attack.
13b. No, I'm not crossing 13 off the list. Just because you haven't done it before doesn't mean it's okay to do a first time.
14. Death has not given you a clean slate. All previous incarnations of this list are still in effect.
15. You rebuilt the teleporter mousetrap? Why?
15a. Reverse the mini-port and return Hawkman to his proper size immediately.
15b. No using scale models of the teleporters to change the size of anyone or anything.
15c. Just don't touch the teleporters. Ever.
16. You are not in Hell, or condemned to haunt the earth until you have atoned for your sins. You are here by choice, and can leave any time.
16a. The rest of us are not in Hell, oblivious to our death, and being tormented by demons disguised as villains, friends, and/or ghosts.
16b. Hell is not "an eternity with one's friends," although you two certainly make a convincing argument.
17. Your appearance does not predict death, doom, or disaster for whoever sees you.
18. May not rearrange the library. The Dewey Decimal system is our friend.
18a. What do you mean you have a better system? There's no order at all!
18b. Alphabetical by last page number? If you're that bored, you can have monitor duty.
19. When on monitor duty and a call comes through requesting assistance, the protocol is to find out what type of assistance is needed, who is available, and then send someone to help. There is no password, no rule about saying “pretty please,” and no barter system or fee.
20. May not be on monitor duty without a living member of the League there to supervise.
21. Booster is not Elvis.
22. Plastic Man does not scream like a girl.
22a. Alright, he does, but it's cruel to keep proving it.
23. We are all pleased to know you can now manifest and be seen by anyone. Please respect our sensibilities and appear as you were in life, not as you appeared at the moment of death. In other words, no gaping head wounds or fleshless skulls.
23a. No manifesting with injuries that didn't cause your death either.
23b. Or as rotting corpses.
23c. Just stuff your organs back in and close your chest cavity Booster.
24. May not possess someone and make them eat cheese steaks because you had a craving.
24a. May not possess someone and make them eat because you think they are dangerously underweight.
25. Possessing Guy and making him dance the Macarena is not funny.
25a. Okay, it was hysterical. Don’t do it again.
26. May not possess Power Girl and Wonder Woman and make them kiss.
26a. May not possess Batman and Superman and make them kiss.
26b. We all know it's you. This is why everyone's convinced you're gay.
27. May not possess anyone. The living are not "flesh-puppets who dance for their dead overlords' amusement."
28. Beetle is not the Spectre.
29. Beetle does not command legions of the undead.
30. Thou shalt not hide the Chocos.
30a. Nor shalt thou replace the cream filling with shaving cream.
31. Just because we have two deceased teammates-turned-poltergeists haunting us is no excuse for the living members of this team to play practical jokes on others and blame it on Beetle and Booster.
32. You are not guarding a treasure.
33. Stay out of Fate's room, Booster.
33a. It’s a preventive rule. You did enough damage when alive and normal. I shudder to think what you could manage now that you are supernatural.
33b. Fine, ghosts are completely natural. Paranormal then.
34. May not replace all the coffee with decaf.
35. I do not know how you got the monkeys up here. I do not want to know. But don't do it again.
36. Water balloons are strictly forbidden.
36a. Balloons filled with any liquid or semi-solid material are forbidden.
37. May not drop watermelons from the ceiling.
38. You cannot change your wills posthumously.
39. May not do whatever it is you did that makes Kyle scream and run whenever he sees a feather boa.
40. Beetle is not Nearly Headless Nick.
41. Booster is not the Bloody Baron.
42. Neither one of you is Peeves, although it’s certainly the most believable claim you’ve made yet.
43. Nightwing does not have to prove himself worthy of Oracle.
44. May not sing "Henry the Eighth."
45. Pinching people is not part of your "poltergeist cultural tradition."
46. Not the Ghosts of Christmas Past and Present.
47. Not Guy's conscience.
48. May not play music from "Jaws" while someone's in the pool.
49. May not play music from "Psycho" while someone's in the shower.
50. May not watch people in the shower.
51. May not hide the towels while someone is in the shower.
52. May not turn off the hot water while someone is in the shower.
53. May not alter this list in any way.
54. May not bang on the walls, smash things, scream, or in general make lots of noise while people are trying to sleep.
55. May not moan, groan, scream, or cry like “a tortured soul.”
56. Booster was not “spurned in love,” and did not die of a broken heart.
57. Stop scaring the newbies.
58. May not put mashed potatoes in Flash’s boots.
59. You are not seeking vengeance. If you were, we’d happily avenge you. You’re just hanging around being annoying.
60. Stay away from the pea soup.
61. You are not summoned when someone says your name three times. If you were, you’d be banished the same way.
62. It is fascinating how animals react to your presence when humans cannot sense you. It is a subject that deserves more study. You are not going to conduct that study. Leave Vixen and Animal Man alone.
63. We all know you are “speaking from beyond the grave.” There’s no need to start every conversation that way.
64. May not stand next to women and make the air colder to make their nipples perk up.
65. May not turn out lights while people are using them.
65a. Or turn them on and off rapidly.
65b. Or break the bulbs, unscrew the bulbs, unplug the lights, or in any other way plunge a room into darkness while there’s someone who needs the light on.
66. May not play will-o-the-wisp and make people walk into walls, furniture, closed doors, or down stairs in the dark.
67. The otherworldly, echoing laughter is eerie and frightening. But not as frightening as your normal “bwahaha.” We all know the ghostly laugh is meant to scare us and nothing else, but the normal laugh means you’ve actually done something.
68. Either turn off your personal chaos fields, or stay away from sensitive equipment. You can cause computers to crash just by being in the same room.
69. Not allowed to attempt to clone new bodies for yourselves using experimental technology stolen from supervillains, mad scientists, or morally questionable companies.
70. Not allowed to turn off or reverse the Watchtower’s artificial gravity.
71. May not redecorate the Watchtower.
72. Not allowed to make amends for jokes that go too far.
72a. Because your good deeds are worse than your pranks.
72b. Black Canary sprained her ankle because you were so kind as to wax the floors.
72c. And you washed Flash’s and Power Girl’s costumes together.
73. Not allowed to order delivery.
74. Not allowed to give interviews or press conferences.
74a. Especially not when possessing someone (see rule 27).
75. Not allowed to hire strippers and bring them to the Watchtower.
75a. No, not even for someone's birthday present.
76. May not taunt Superman to the point where he loses his temper and tries to set you on fire.
77. Not allowed to possess Tickle Me Elmo dolls.
77a. I mean that both in the “inhabit their bodies” and the “own” sense.
78. Stay out of underwear drawers.
79. Not allowed to do any experiments involving the microwave.
80. Superman, Hal, Green Arrow, Jason Todd, and anyone else who has been resurrected, are not quitters.
81. May not call any woman "mommy" and tell her that you will be reincarnated as her first born son.
81a. Even if it is an effective form of birth control.
82. May not design robot bodies for yourselves.
82a. Because the first attempt developed intelligence and free will, went on a rampage, and exploded.
82b. The explosion was caused by a design flaw, not a safety feature.
83. You're dead Beetle. You don't have a heart condition.
84. May not join forces with Mr. Mxyzptlk and/or Bat-Mite.
84a. May not challenge Mr. Mxyzptlk and/or Bat-Mite to a prank war.
85. May not make the walls bleed.
86. May not move Wonder Woman's jet.
87. Not allowed to start a political movement campaigning for equal rights for the dead.
88. Not allowed to call "dibs" on Robin. Or any other non-deceased sidekick.
89. Not allowed to haunt the Batcave.
90. Not allowed to fill the washing machine with those little toy capsules that expand into large sponges when wet.
90a. Especially not the "novelty" sponges.
91. Not allowed to precariously stack furniture and other objects.
92. Not allowed to have glitter.
92a. Or glue.
92b. Feel free to haunt the idiot who first created glitter glue though.
93. Not allowed to play with power tools.
94. Not allowed to have paint or any kind or color.
95. While I appreciate you cooking us dinner, I feel obligated to point out you have no sense of taste or smell, are incapable of gauging temperature, and radiate cold. Please stay out of the kitchen.
96. May not prank call the White House.
97. May not put Prozac in Batman's food.
97a. Even if it did improve his mood.
98. Not allowed to ride motorcycles in the Watchtower.
98a. No, not even if you wear a helmet.
99. Not allowed to interfere with the Mythbusters' experiments.
100. Beetle is not pining for the fjords.
Feel free to vist:
http://community.livejournal.com/boostle/130768.html
Post a Comment